NORMALLY, I have a dream journal for when I have crazy freaky dreams that are so vivid and drawn out, like a movie almost. I figure someday if I was good enough or inspired enough maybe I could write them into short stories or something.
Last night's dream is getting hazy so I will write down what I remember. I believe I moved into this old house in Salt Lake City with a bunch of ruffians like myself. I was way more into the punk scene than I am in reality. The house was full of guys and girls and we would go across the street to listen to a band play. The band had an old house as well, but gutted it out to make a concert hall of sorts. There was a stage and plenty of room for people, plus rickety tables and chairs that look like old patio furniture. There were restrooms for everyone, and even a door man to charge for entry.
A lot of the dream was just hanging out with the people at the house and in the band. There was a part of the house on the second story where you could climb out the window and hang out on the roof. Super awesome pants!
This guy started hanging out with us for a while and have an active interest in me. He kind of gave me the creeps. He was a really big guy, like football player status. I was hanging out on the rooftop one night and he joined me. He was trying to put the moves on me and I wasn't interested so I left and started walking down the street. It was kind of just weeds and trees and the guy followed and tried to have sex with me. He pretty much beat the shit out of me, but I managed to hold him off until one of my neighbors heard and helped me.
So the band turned out to be The Used before they blew up to the status they are now. Hell yes! They started working with my roommates on something that was like a rock opera of sorts, using parts of our lives in the story. They totally asked me to play a part, and it ended up being the main part! We had practiced for a while, and even though I didn't have the best voice ever, I still had a decent, clear sound, so it was really exciting! I had gone home or something, out of town, anyway, and decided I needed to revamp my look to fit the part better. I dyed my hair black on the bottom and fire engine red on the top. I showed up back in town and went straight to the house The Used was holding concerts in. I went in and the door man let me right in without charging me or anything; he just greeted me like we were old friends.
I sat down to watch the band and we all smiled at each other. It was so awesome! I had been driving quite a bit before getting there so I went to use the restroom. Some girl had noticed the eye contact between the band and me and followed me into the restroom. This is basically where I woke up. I was trying to go back to sleep because I wanted to see what happened, but I guess the bathroom scene was reality because I had to pee in reality!
The song The Used were starting to play at the end of the dream was "Take it Away" but for some reason when I woke up I had "Birthday" by the Beatles in my head. No idea why that happened!
So that's my dream. Creepy in places but fun at the same time.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Ruff.
Today was a rough day. I had a rest day on Sunday, which meant I didn't need to exercise and I could eat something I was craving, so I had a cookie.... then Chris and I went out to eat. I did well at dinner but of course when I checked in at Foursquare I earned a free dessert.... so, dessert it was to be!
Yesterday was a rough day and I was just depressed in general. Which means I didn't exercise, which made me feel disappointed in myself and, in turn, more depressed. I came home today and just wanted to give up all together. Somehow I managed to force myself to get up and put my sneakers on and take the dogs for a damn walk. Once I got out there, it wasn't so bad and I did feel better. I hope that is motivation enough to not give up. Man... sometimes I just want to stuff my fucking face!
Yesterday was a rough day and I was just depressed in general. Which means I didn't exercise, which made me feel disappointed in myself and, in turn, more depressed. I came home today and just wanted to give up all together. Somehow I managed to force myself to get up and put my sneakers on and take the dogs for a damn walk. Once I got out there, it wasn't so bad and I did feel better. I hope that is motivation enough to not give up. Man... sometimes I just want to stuff my fucking face!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Weigh and Win
About a week ago I joined this "thing" called "Weigh and Win." http://www.weighandwin.com It is a program in Colorado that is set up to help you become active and healthier and lose weight. The more weight you lose, the more money you can earn.
I have been dieting since high school, and it's done nothing but make me feel horrible about myself and gain even more weight. I have recently been working towards changing my attitude towards food and exercise and being healthy in general, and have almost convinced myself that is the way to go. Which is why I felt like it was time to attempt the lifestyle change. Fitness people always say it is good to keep a journal of your progress so I thought I would give it a try. Not that sitting here typing is helping me lose weight...
Weigh and Win has different fitness levels you can start at. While I don't feel I'm at my worst fitness wise, I decided to start at the easiest level simply because I wasn't sure how intense each level was. I walk my dogs fairly often, so walking wasn't the issue. It was the strength training that intimidated me. So far I work out every other day: one of those days is cardio and the other is strength training. They are only requiring 15 minutes out of each session so far and I feel like I've been going above and beyond by walking my dogs every day for about half an hour. The strength training I haven't done as great on because a lot of the exercises they recommend involve a resistance band and I don't have one. The website has a personal trainer you can email, so I finally did and asked about the lack of resistance band, and she told me to just do twice the amount of exercises without the resistance band. Duh.
Another part of this plan is to watch your portions and the type of food you are eating. This hasn't been much of a struggle for me since I have basically cut sweets out of my diet; now I will just have to resist the urges that come once in a while. (I do get one day a week where I can have dessert or pizza, etc. if I wish) The only difficult part to this is they actually want you to eat 5-6 times a day, which just isn't possible for me. I work a job where I can't just take a break whenever and eat something, and when I get home, there isn't food in the house because we are pretty broke and can't afford it. I am hoping eating healthier and better portions when I CAN eat will be good enough, and I will still see results.
I am resisting the temptation to weigh myself every day because if I don't see results right away I will get frustrated, and I am scared if I get frustrated that I will just quit. Part of Weigh and Win is you have to go to a "designated" scale, sign in with your account, and weight in. This is required every three months. So I will wait that length of time to check it out.
When I was a kid, I was abused by someone close to me. Part of this abuse was physical, and the other was verbal. One thing said to me by abuser was that I was nothing, and that I would always be nothing. Without even realizing it, I have always believed that statement, even though part of me knew it was bullshit. I am coming to realize that believing those words, even subconsciously, is possibly the reason I never finish anything I start. College, for one example. I am very scared that I will just give up on this. I figure the more people that know about what I'm doing, the more likely I'll be to stick to it since I don't want to have to explain that I just gave up, if people ask how it's going.
I am hoping for the best, because I want to be a healthy ME!
I have been dieting since high school, and it's done nothing but make me feel horrible about myself and gain even more weight. I have recently been working towards changing my attitude towards food and exercise and being healthy in general, and have almost convinced myself that is the way to go. Which is why I felt like it was time to attempt the lifestyle change. Fitness people always say it is good to keep a journal of your progress so I thought I would give it a try. Not that sitting here typing is helping me lose weight...
Weigh and Win has different fitness levels you can start at. While I don't feel I'm at my worst fitness wise, I decided to start at the easiest level simply because I wasn't sure how intense each level was. I walk my dogs fairly often, so walking wasn't the issue. It was the strength training that intimidated me. So far I work out every other day: one of those days is cardio and the other is strength training. They are only requiring 15 minutes out of each session so far and I feel like I've been going above and beyond by walking my dogs every day for about half an hour. The strength training I haven't done as great on because a lot of the exercises they recommend involve a resistance band and I don't have one. The website has a personal trainer you can email, so I finally did and asked about the lack of resistance band, and she told me to just do twice the amount of exercises without the resistance band. Duh.
Another part of this plan is to watch your portions and the type of food you are eating. This hasn't been much of a struggle for me since I have basically cut sweets out of my diet; now I will just have to resist the urges that come once in a while. (I do get one day a week where I can have dessert or pizza, etc. if I wish) The only difficult part to this is they actually want you to eat 5-6 times a day, which just isn't possible for me. I work a job where I can't just take a break whenever and eat something, and when I get home, there isn't food in the house because we are pretty broke and can't afford it. I am hoping eating healthier and better portions when I CAN eat will be good enough, and I will still see results.
I am resisting the temptation to weigh myself every day because if I don't see results right away I will get frustrated, and I am scared if I get frustrated that I will just quit. Part of Weigh and Win is you have to go to a "designated" scale, sign in with your account, and weight in. This is required every three months. So I will wait that length of time to check it out.
When I was a kid, I was abused by someone close to me. Part of this abuse was physical, and the other was verbal. One thing said to me by abuser was that I was nothing, and that I would always be nothing. Without even realizing it, I have always believed that statement, even though part of me knew it was bullshit. I am coming to realize that believing those words, even subconsciously, is possibly the reason I never finish anything I start. College, for one example. I am very scared that I will just give up on this. I figure the more people that know about what I'm doing, the more likely I'll be to stick to it since I don't want to have to explain that I just gave up, if people ask how it's going.
I am hoping for the best, because I want to be a healthy ME!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
blah life?
For the most part I am generally happy with my life. I love my boyfriend and even though my job is extremely challenging, for the most part I like it and if I stick with it I may be working a public school someday and get summers off. That would be totally cool. I earn paid holidays and vacations and am getting health benefits even though I don't know how to use them yet. I have a nice truck and have wonderful parents who are helping me pay back my student loans.
Every once in a while I get really frustrated. I mean, some of my friends who have been single longer than me are now engaged. I am in this committed relationship where we talk about the future, a house and a kid or two... but no ring yet. I just wonder how long I'm going to be single but yet not. I know a ring just doesn't appear out of nowhere; it costs money and after that it's more money for a wedding and honeymoon. There's just a part of being single that I've given up that I didn't really think I would have to.
I have been trying to get back to Florida for a visit since I came in May of 2006. Haven't made it there yet. Now my boyfriend is planning this trip for us to visit his family in Iowa next year which is totally fine but I was trying to get to Florida next year. I don't really see getting to do both with asking for time off. That would be a week for each trip so two weeks out of the year. So basically I would be giving up my visit to Florida.
I really miss working in the environment I was in at Disney World. It really was a dream of mine to work at a Disney park. I love the friends I made there and worked with every day. The pay sucked and there were times when we were really overworked and the guests were terrible but I still had a blast. On my days off I could wander around any park I wanted for free; catch a parade or just go on a couple rides. Every day I could watch little kids' dreams come true. If I was single I would probably be moving to Florida. Of course I also have this grown up job now where I can't just ask for a few days off and expect to get them approved. I really don't know right now if I asked for a vacation if I would get it approved at this job.
I guess I'm just complaining but it's hard! If I was single or at a different job I wouldn't have to worry about getting permission to go the UK with Becky like we wanted to or go back to visit Orlando with Becky and Rachael. Of course if I was single I would be complaining about how lonely I am or whatever so I guess no matter what there is something to complain about. I just hope we get to a point in this relationship where we can live out some of our personal dreams while still being together. Really I would be happy in a permanent place that really is quite nice as long as I could save up enough money to travel and see my buddies and parents on occasion. It will be even harder when we have a kid so I don't know how that will work in. I guess it will just happen as it happens and we learn to be happy with what we have. I can't help feeling I'm giving up on a lot of dreams or missing out on something in order to be lucky enough to have the life I have right now. So I guess I'll light one up and watch Old School and try not to think too much about it!
Every once in a while I get really frustrated. I mean, some of my friends who have been single longer than me are now engaged. I am in this committed relationship where we talk about the future, a house and a kid or two... but no ring yet. I just wonder how long I'm going to be single but yet not. I know a ring just doesn't appear out of nowhere; it costs money and after that it's more money for a wedding and honeymoon. There's just a part of being single that I've given up that I didn't really think I would have to.
I have been trying to get back to Florida for a visit since I came in May of 2006. Haven't made it there yet. Now my boyfriend is planning this trip for us to visit his family in Iowa next year which is totally fine but I was trying to get to Florida next year. I don't really see getting to do both with asking for time off. That would be a week for each trip so two weeks out of the year. So basically I would be giving up my visit to Florida.
I really miss working in the environment I was in at Disney World. It really was a dream of mine to work at a Disney park. I love the friends I made there and worked with every day. The pay sucked and there were times when we were really overworked and the guests were terrible but I still had a blast. On my days off I could wander around any park I wanted for free; catch a parade or just go on a couple rides. Every day I could watch little kids' dreams come true. If I was single I would probably be moving to Florida. Of course I also have this grown up job now where I can't just ask for a few days off and expect to get them approved. I really don't know right now if I asked for a vacation if I would get it approved at this job.
I guess I'm just complaining but it's hard! If I was single or at a different job I wouldn't have to worry about getting permission to go the UK with Becky like we wanted to or go back to visit Orlando with Becky and Rachael. Of course if I was single I would be complaining about how lonely I am or whatever so I guess no matter what there is something to complain about. I just hope we get to a point in this relationship where we can live out some of our personal dreams while still being together. Really I would be happy in a permanent place that really is quite nice as long as I could save up enough money to travel and see my buddies and parents on occasion. It will be even harder when we have a kid so I don't know how that will work in. I guess it will just happen as it happens and we learn to be happy with what we have. I can't help feeling I'm giving up on a lot of dreams or missing out on something in order to be lucky enough to have the life I have right now. So I guess I'll light one up and watch Old School and try not to think too much about it!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Drama, drama, drama...
Today was a good day! I finally made it to an eye doctor and got my eyes checked. They are starting to slow down and not change as much. A little bit but not so much. I wanted to get contacts but decided not to because I've had trouble with them irritating my eyes so having contacts and no glasses isn't really a good idea. This girl helped me find glasses that looked good on me and she was a funky chiclet so I trust her judgment. I can't see myself without MY glasses so trying on a pair without a prescription in them is worthless without a second opinion. I got one pair that I can wear everyday and another pair that's a little funky for those days I feel all cutesy and shit. haha
Work has been difficult. My trainer was fired so there is nobody training me anymore. Dee and I have been doing the dinner by ourselves so we are one person short. We still get out around 20 after we're supposed to so it's not like we're doing real bad but since I'm new and still clueless and Dee never had to do the food prep stuff we are both struggling and b.s-ing a lot of it but we're holding our own. I'm learning to stand my ground with the clients but sometimes they still get to me. I just found out this one girl that works in the cafeteria has a crush on me!! So not really sure what to do about that but watch my boundaries so she's not touching me and stop her if she ever brings up anything inappropriate. Which we're supposed to do anyway.
I think I'm pissing off some of my other coworkers but I really wish they'd just confront me on a problem and we could work it out instead of picking up on negative emotions or catching one bitching about me to another coworker. Especially when it's my boss doing the bitching which is very unprofessional in my opinion. I think they don't realize how much I still don't know and nobody wants to take the time out to teach me so it's frustrating. How am I supposed to learn unless someone teaches me?? hmmmm But I think I'm also pissing people off when I ask questions so it's just a losing battle for me. What to do; what to do?!?
On the other hand, I'm watching Scrubs right now which I really love and it's very funny.
And Buck bought me the Sims2 for the computer for my birthday and I made him and me and we just had a baby who is a good baby and not too needy but our people are still struggling. I forget to check the baby's needs so I forget to feed him and bathe him. Aww he was crawling around with green stink floating off his body. Poor baby!
At least my job keeps me on my toes. At least I have my boyfriend who is unceasingly amazing. At least I have parents who buy me glasses for my birthday and Christmas!
Work has been difficult. My trainer was fired so there is nobody training me anymore. Dee and I have been doing the dinner by ourselves so we are one person short. We still get out around 20 after we're supposed to so it's not like we're doing real bad but since I'm new and still clueless and Dee never had to do the food prep stuff we are both struggling and b.s-ing a lot of it but we're holding our own. I'm learning to stand my ground with the clients but sometimes they still get to me. I just found out this one girl that works in the cafeteria has a crush on me!! So not really sure what to do about that but watch my boundaries so she's not touching me and stop her if she ever brings up anything inappropriate. Which we're supposed to do anyway.
I think I'm pissing off some of my other coworkers but I really wish they'd just confront me on a problem and we could work it out instead of picking up on negative emotions or catching one bitching about me to another coworker. Especially when it's my boss doing the bitching which is very unprofessional in my opinion. I think they don't realize how much I still don't know and nobody wants to take the time out to teach me so it's frustrating. How am I supposed to learn unless someone teaches me?? hmmmm But I think I'm also pissing people off when I ask questions so it's just a losing battle for me. What to do; what to do?!?
On the other hand, I'm watching Scrubs right now which I really love and it's very funny.
And Buck bought me the Sims2 for the computer for my birthday and I made him and me and we just had a baby who is a good baby and not too needy but our people are still struggling. I forget to check the baby's needs so I forget to feed him and bathe him. Aww he was crawling around with green stink floating off his body. Poor baby!
At least my job keeps me on my toes. At least I have my boyfriend who is unceasingly amazing. At least I have parents who buy me glasses for my birthday and Christmas!
Friday, August 10, 2007
number one post
I created this blogger spot so I wouldn't always have to post on Myspace. This is a little more private I guess so I can write more openly. Becky can read this and that's fabulous! So yeah....
I have worked about six days at my new job. That's in two weeks; I said I needed to give my two weeks notice at the Disney Store so my new job gave me two extra days off because they thought I'd still be working at the Disney Store for the last two weeks but really I quit on the spot. That means I can't be rehired but oh well I guess. That job was boring as hell plus they didn't even fucking train me!! So I don't really feel badly about not being able to work there anymore.
My new job is awesome so far. I am really hoping this is a job I will like for a long time because the benefits are so good. I would like to stay here and enjoy being able to see a doctor when I think something's wrong with me, see a dentist regularly and get my eyes checked. I will love the paid vacations too! I don't really know how they work; like can I request time off without pay? I still wanted to go to Florida. Not sure if it's going to happen but I'm really hoping for it. The friends I have there I do not want to lost touch with because they've become like family to me.
The craziest thing that has happened at work so far was a group of girls were in the auditorium and somehow a girl got a hold of a razor blade and slit her wrists BIG TIME. I guess it was really bloody in there but thankfully I wasn't there to see it! After they took the girl to the hospital they found out she had broken up the blades and swallowed them, but they were going to let her just poop them out. Her counselor was talking to us and said she was literally going to be shitting razor blades. That sounds mean to make fun of a sick child but it helps lighten the sadness of the situation.
So around the cottages now girls are getting a hold of sharp objects and cutting themselves. One girl got eleven stitches but when she was back in her room she just pulled the stitches out. So they are trying to get a cast on her arm so she can't pull them out. That'd be a beastly scar!
There are about four or five girls that have higher privileges and can have a job in the cafeteria. Mostly they do the dishes for us and set up the salad bar for dinner. One girl in there just rubs me the wrong way. I think she just encourages the others (through her own actions) to be loud and obnoxious and when she works is the only time another girl gets in trouble for bad-mouthing girls who bring their trays over to be washed. I don't want to be a babysitter but we do have to keep an eye on them.
I broke out in hives on my arms during work one day and I don't know why. I thought maybe I'm allergic to something but my dear mutha thinks maybe it is a result of the stress of having a new job. She could be right because when I moved to Florida this last time I got hives on my arms there too and that was a new job, new apartment, new state, etc. Who knows? I just hope they go away!
So I guess that's all for now. I was being really noisy this morning but it was unintentional. I felt bad because I was hoping to let Buck have some good sleep since he woke up so early yesterday. I want to go to the eye doctor to price glasses but I might just do it tomorrow so I don't have to use my blow-dryer and wake up Buck.
Until next time...
I have worked about six days at my new job. That's in two weeks; I said I needed to give my two weeks notice at the Disney Store so my new job gave me two extra days off because they thought I'd still be working at the Disney Store for the last two weeks but really I quit on the spot. That means I can't be rehired but oh well I guess. That job was boring as hell plus they didn't even fucking train me!! So I don't really feel badly about not being able to work there anymore.
My new job is awesome so far. I am really hoping this is a job I will like for a long time because the benefits are so good. I would like to stay here and enjoy being able to see a doctor when I think something's wrong with me, see a dentist regularly and get my eyes checked. I will love the paid vacations too! I don't really know how they work; like can I request time off without pay? I still wanted to go to Florida. Not sure if it's going to happen but I'm really hoping for it. The friends I have there I do not want to lost touch with because they've become like family to me.
The craziest thing that has happened at work so far was a group of girls were in the auditorium and somehow a girl got a hold of a razor blade and slit her wrists BIG TIME. I guess it was really bloody in there but thankfully I wasn't there to see it! After they took the girl to the hospital they found out she had broken up the blades and swallowed them, but they were going to let her just poop them out. Her counselor was talking to us and said she was literally going to be shitting razor blades. That sounds mean to make fun of a sick child but it helps lighten the sadness of the situation.
So around the cottages now girls are getting a hold of sharp objects and cutting themselves. One girl got eleven stitches but when she was back in her room she just pulled the stitches out. So they are trying to get a cast on her arm so she can't pull them out. That'd be a beastly scar!
There are about four or five girls that have higher privileges and can have a job in the cafeteria. Mostly they do the dishes for us and set up the salad bar for dinner. One girl in there just rubs me the wrong way. I think she just encourages the others (through her own actions) to be loud and obnoxious and when she works is the only time another girl gets in trouble for bad-mouthing girls who bring their trays over to be washed. I don't want to be a babysitter but we do have to keep an eye on them.
I broke out in hives on my arms during work one day and I don't know why. I thought maybe I'm allergic to something but my dear mutha thinks maybe it is a result of the stress of having a new job. She could be right because when I moved to Florida this last time I got hives on my arms there too and that was a new job, new apartment, new state, etc. Who knows? I just hope they go away!
So I guess that's all for now. I was being really noisy this morning but it was unintentional. I felt bad because I was hoping to let Buck have some good sleep since he woke up so early yesterday. I want to go to the eye doctor to price glasses but I might just do it tomorrow so I don't have to use my blow-dryer and wake up Buck.
Until next time...
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