the psychiatric hotline

Hello, welcome to the
Psychiatric Hotline:

*If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly

*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2.

*If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

*If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line and we will trace your call.

*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

*If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

who writes this crap?!?!

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote in her book "On Death and Dying" that there is generally five stages in the grieving process. I am sure this is not fool-proof and varies from person to person, but I have seen people in different stages so I feel it is somewhat applicable. I think I am still pretty much in isolation mode. I am not in denial; I am fully aware of what has happened. I just don't really want to associate with people in the "real" world. Family is okay and Becky because she knows all too well what I'm going through. Strong opinions are not my friend right now. Patience and understanding are my best friends. Sleep is my lover. All I want to do is sleep. This stinks.

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

when you are supposed to be doing other things...

I just needed a small break. Wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday; haven't showered in two days. Excellent! I have brushed my teeth, though. Does that count for something? I will shower today, eventually. Promise.

Some of Steve Wright's Classics:

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I was an only child, eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I got a dog and named him "Stay." Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't go to anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

I got pulled over by a cop and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's okay. I'm not going that far."

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

The sign said, "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need and I say, "Extra medium."

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

that's what you get

This is what happens when you start going through old folders that have been kept for you for who-knows-what reason: you find really random crap!! Because I need a laugh, and I'm sure you all need one, too... because I said so... I will post one of my findings. This was a forward that my Auntie Raelene sent me back in 1999, my senior year of high school:

The Wisdom of a Child:

*Never trust a dog to watch your food. 
     -Patrick, age 10

*When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. 
     -Matthew, age 12

*Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
     -Andrew, age 9

*Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
     -Stephanie, age 8

*Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
     -Rosemary, age 7

*Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
     -Carol, age 9

*Never bug a pregnant mom.
     -Nicholas, age 11

*Don't ever be too full for dessert.
     -Kelly, age 10

*When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
     -Heather, age 16

*Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
     -Michael, age 14

*Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
     -Joel, age 12

*When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. 
     -Alyesha, 13

*Never try to baptize a cat.
     -Laura, age 13

*Never spit on a roller coaster.
     -Scott, age 11

*Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
     -Rob, age 10

*Remember you're never too old to hold your dad's hand.
     -Molly, age 11

*Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
     -Chelsey, age 7

*Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
     -Phillip, age 13

*Forget the cake. Go for the icing!
     -Cynthia, age 8

stuff and things

  This morning I got up early-ish and took some of Mommy's funeral flowers to the cemetery. Since she is buried in Alton and I am in Kanab, they weren't for her. 
  I found my nephew Joseph Keith's grave, finally, and shared some with him. He was born when I was four years old, and only lived a few hours. I cleaned some grass clippings off his headstone and had a small chat with him.
  I also shared some flowers with Autumn Aziz, an old grade school friend who died our senior year of high school. I also chatted with her for a bit and admired all the decorations around her headstone. I felt it was very appropriate to share with these two, and felt very calm and at peace while visiting with them. 
  I have pushed many emotions deep inside so I can focus on cleaning out Mommy's house. I know she understands it has to be done, and I don't feel she is still tied to the house at all. I tried on some skirts of hers this morning, and I think she was happy that I could use them. She was always so sensible. 
  Yesterday my sister's and I read through her diaries from her senior year of high school and first year of college. Oh my word!! Or as she wrote: "Wow!" and "o-o-o-o-o!!" She was as boy crazy as I was, maybe more. We were so caught up in the drama of Tony, Gib, Jack, Gerry, and Roger... I can't wait to type those up for the family to read. 
  The mourning and healing process is quite strange. I take it as it comes, and take one day at a time. I still don't know what I am going to do without my Mommy, but I am so glad for the peace I feel within myself right now.

Mommy

I am sitting here at my mommy's computer, two days after her funeral. I have pushed my emotions aside as I volunteered for the daunting task of beginning to clean out her house. I am in a haze, and just want to sleep all the time. ALL THE TIME. As I sit in my haze, I manage to focus on "Survival Tips" that my mommy taped to the wall next to her computer desk. I believe these have a focus more towards caring for someone who is no longer able to care for their own self.... since my daddy has Alzheimer's. These are very appropriate "Tips" for my mommy, and ones she adhered to, whether she realized it or not. I plan to elaborate on them at some point, but as of right now I am too #blah# to do so. I will list the "Tips," however. I love you, Mommy.

* Put staying healthy at the top of your list.

* Have a backup plan in case something unexpected happens to you.

* Take one day at a time.

* Keep your sense of humor.

* Pat yourself on the back for the good job you are doing.

* Get enough rest and eat right.

* Make time for things you like to do.

* Talk about how you feel with others.

* Listen to your friends.

* Make a list of all the things your loved one can still do.

is it over yet?

    Sometimes I think life is going to be pretty good, and then something happens that just fucks the shit out of your head. I don't even want to start with everything that has happened, but basically the person I thought I trusted most in my life, well, enough to marry (which I think means I trust him a lot) just did a bunch of really, really, stupid things that has me questioning who the hell he is and the validity of our marriage.
    I wouldn't go out and marry someone just for fun. I really thought he and I got on together really well. I thought we were a good pair and would be happy together. Now I don't know if I kick him to the curb or forgive him for everything and cross my fingers that he doesn't mess up again.
    What do you do? There is no instruction manual for this kind of thing. I can't even ask another married couple what they would do because I don't think anybody has been through this kind of major hiccup. This is more like a major vomit, followed by violent dry heaves.
    I really just want to give up. I thought I found someone who really cared about me. Now I just think there is nobody out there who really cares about me. So why am I sitting around here wasting time, space, energy, and oxygen? If I'm not around there is more room for people in the world. Who really gives a rat's ass about Andrea/Andi Crosby/Rasmussen anyway? You can't marry your parents!! Who wants to, anyway?
    The thing is, I was so happy being single, too. I found some kind of inner peace and independence as well as some confidence and self-esteem, and I was happy. I dated Him because we liked each other, and I thought he was worth spending time with. Now? I have no idea.
    Do you forgive someone for fucking up this badly, even if they say they're sorry and swear they won't do it again? What could I possibly do that would even come somewhat close to what he's done and wonder if he could forgive me for it? I couldn't imagine anything as bad as what he's done. I wouldn't wish what he's done to me on my enemies, if I had any.
    I wish there was an online chat with a therapist or something. I don't have insurance and don't know if insurance would cover therapy, anyway. I need help. I need to rewind my life and start over. Maybe I should move back in with my parents and get about two dozen cats, and just live in solitary for the rest of my life. Or just end it now. People just don't do this kind of thing to good people. How do these meanies find me?