Sometimes I think life is going to be pretty good, and then something happens that just fucks the shit out of your head. I don't even want to start with everything that has happened, but basically the person I thought I trusted most in my life, well, enough to marry (which I think means I trust him a lot) just did a bunch of really, really, stupid things that has me questioning who the hell he is and the validity of our marriage.
I wouldn't go out and marry someone just for fun. I really thought he and I got on together really well. I thought we were a good pair and would be happy together. Now I don't know if I kick him to the curb or forgive him for everything and cross my fingers that he doesn't mess up again.
What do you do? There is no instruction manual for this kind of thing. I can't even ask another married couple what they would do because I don't think anybody has been through this kind of major hiccup. This is more like a major vomit, followed by violent dry heaves.
I really just want to give up. I thought I found someone who really cared about me. Now I just think there is nobody out there who really cares about me. So why am I sitting around here wasting time, space, energy, and oxygen? If I'm not around there is more room for people in the world. Who really gives a rat's ass about Andrea/Andi Crosby/Rasmussen anyway? You can't marry your parents!! Who wants to, anyway?
The thing is, I was so happy being single, too. I found some kind of inner peace and independence as well as some confidence and self-esteem, and I was happy. I dated Him because we liked each other, and I thought he was worth spending time with. Now? I have no idea.
Do you forgive someone for fucking up this badly, even if they say they're sorry and swear they won't do it again? What could I possibly do that would even come somewhat close to what he's done and wonder if he could forgive me for it? I couldn't imagine anything as bad as what he's done. I wouldn't wish what he's done to me on my enemies, if I had any.
I wish there was an online chat with a therapist or something. I don't have insurance and don't know if insurance would cover therapy, anyway. I need help. I need to rewind my life and start over. Maybe I should move back in with my parents and get about two dozen cats, and just live in solitary for the rest of my life. Or just end it now. People just don't do this kind of thing to good people. How do these meanies find me?
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
I can't find my dream journal!
NORMALLY, I have a dream journal for when I have crazy freaky dreams that are so vivid and drawn out, like a movie almost. I figure someday if I was good enough or inspired enough maybe I could write them into short stories or something.
Last night's dream is getting hazy so I will write down what I remember. I believe I moved into this old house in Salt Lake City with a bunch of ruffians like myself. I was way more into the punk scene than I am in reality. The house was full of guys and girls and we would go across the street to listen to a band play. The band had an old house as well, but gutted it out to make a concert hall of sorts. There was a stage and plenty of room for people, plus rickety tables and chairs that look like old patio furniture. There were restrooms for everyone, and even a door man to charge for entry.
A lot of the dream was just hanging out with the people at the house and in the band. There was a part of the house on the second story where you could climb out the window and hang out on the roof. Super awesome pants!
This guy started hanging out with us for a while and have an active interest in me. He kind of gave me the creeps. He was a really big guy, like football player status. I was hanging out on the rooftop one night and he joined me. He was trying to put the moves on me and I wasn't interested so I left and started walking down the street. It was kind of just weeds and trees and the guy followed and tried to have sex with me. He pretty much beat the shit out of me, but I managed to hold him off until one of my neighbors heard and helped me.
So the band turned out to be The Used before they blew up to the status they are now. Hell yes! They started working with my roommates on something that was like a rock opera of sorts, using parts of our lives in the story. They totally asked me to play a part, and it ended up being the main part! We had practiced for a while, and even though I didn't have the best voice ever, I still had a decent, clear sound, so it was really exciting! I had gone home or something, out of town, anyway, and decided I needed to revamp my look to fit the part better. I dyed my hair black on the bottom and fire engine red on the top. I showed up back in town and went straight to the house The Used was holding concerts in. I went in and the door man let me right in without charging me or anything; he just greeted me like we were old friends.
I sat down to watch the band and we all smiled at each other. It was so awesome! I had been driving quite a bit before getting there so I went to use the restroom. Some girl had noticed the eye contact between the band and me and followed me into the restroom. This is basically where I woke up. I was trying to go back to sleep because I wanted to see what happened, but I guess the bathroom scene was reality because I had to pee in reality!
The song The Used were starting to play at the end of the dream was "Take it Away" but for some reason when I woke up I had "Birthday" by the Beatles in my head. No idea why that happened!
So that's my dream. Creepy in places but fun at the same time.
Last night's dream is getting hazy so I will write down what I remember. I believe I moved into this old house in Salt Lake City with a bunch of ruffians like myself. I was way more into the punk scene than I am in reality. The house was full of guys and girls and we would go across the street to listen to a band play. The band had an old house as well, but gutted it out to make a concert hall of sorts. There was a stage and plenty of room for people, plus rickety tables and chairs that look like old patio furniture. There were restrooms for everyone, and even a door man to charge for entry.
A lot of the dream was just hanging out with the people at the house and in the band. There was a part of the house on the second story where you could climb out the window and hang out on the roof. Super awesome pants!
This guy started hanging out with us for a while and have an active interest in me. He kind of gave me the creeps. He was a really big guy, like football player status. I was hanging out on the rooftop one night and he joined me. He was trying to put the moves on me and I wasn't interested so I left and started walking down the street. It was kind of just weeds and trees and the guy followed and tried to have sex with me. He pretty much beat the shit out of me, but I managed to hold him off until one of my neighbors heard and helped me.
So the band turned out to be The Used before they blew up to the status they are now. Hell yes! They started working with my roommates on something that was like a rock opera of sorts, using parts of our lives in the story. They totally asked me to play a part, and it ended up being the main part! We had practiced for a while, and even though I didn't have the best voice ever, I still had a decent, clear sound, so it was really exciting! I had gone home or something, out of town, anyway, and decided I needed to revamp my look to fit the part better. I dyed my hair black on the bottom and fire engine red on the top. I showed up back in town and went straight to the house The Used was holding concerts in. I went in and the door man let me right in without charging me or anything; he just greeted me like we were old friends.
I sat down to watch the band and we all smiled at each other. It was so awesome! I had been driving quite a bit before getting there so I went to use the restroom. Some girl had noticed the eye contact between the band and me and followed me into the restroom. This is basically where I woke up. I was trying to go back to sleep because I wanted to see what happened, but I guess the bathroom scene was reality because I had to pee in reality!
The song The Used were starting to play at the end of the dream was "Take it Away" but for some reason when I woke up I had "Birthday" by the Beatles in my head. No idea why that happened!
So that's my dream. Creepy in places but fun at the same time.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Ruff.
Today was a rough day. I had a rest day on Sunday, which meant I didn't need to exercise and I could eat something I was craving, so I had a cookie.... then Chris and I went out to eat. I did well at dinner but of course when I checked in at Foursquare I earned a free dessert.... so, dessert it was to be!
Yesterday was a rough day and I was just depressed in general. Which means I didn't exercise, which made me feel disappointed in myself and, in turn, more depressed. I came home today and just wanted to give up all together. Somehow I managed to force myself to get up and put my sneakers on and take the dogs for a damn walk. Once I got out there, it wasn't so bad and I did feel better. I hope that is motivation enough to not give up. Man... sometimes I just want to stuff my fucking face!
Yesterday was a rough day and I was just depressed in general. Which means I didn't exercise, which made me feel disappointed in myself and, in turn, more depressed. I came home today and just wanted to give up all together. Somehow I managed to force myself to get up and put my sneakers on and take the dogs for a damn walk. Once I got out there, it wasn't so bad and I did feel better. I hope that is motivation enough to not give up. Man... sometimes I just want to stuff my fucking face!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Weigh and Win
About a week ago I joined this "thing" called "Weigh and Win." http://www.weighandwin.com It is a program in Colorado that is set up to help you become active and healthier and lose weight. The more weight you lose, the more money you can earn.
I have been dieting since high school, and it's done nothing but make me feel horrible about myself and gain even more weight. I have recently been working towards changing my attitude towards food and exercise and being healthy in general, and have almost convinced myself that is the way to go. Which is why I felt like it was time to attempt the lifestyle change. Fitness people always say it is good to keep a journal of your progress so I thought I would give it a try. Not that sitting here typing is helping me lose weight...
Weigh and Win has different fitness levels you can start at. While I don't feel I'm at my worst fitness wise, I decided to start at the easiest level simply because I wasn't sure how intense each level was. I walk my dogs fairly often, so walking wasn't the issue. It was the strength training that intimidated me. So far I work out every other day: one of those days is cardio and the other is strength training. They are only requiring 15 minutes out of each session so far and I feel like I've been going above and beyond by walking my dogs every day for about half an hour. The strength training I haven't done as great on because a lot of the exercises they recommend involve a resistance band and I don't have one. The website has a personal trainer you can email, so I finally did and asked about the lack of resistance band, and she told me to just do twice the amount of exercises without the resistance band. Duh.
Another part of this plan is to watch your portions and the type of food you are eating. This hasn't been much of a struggle for me since I have basically cut sweets out of my diet; now I will just have to resist the urges that come once in a while. (I do get one day a week where I can have dessert or pizza, etc. if I wish) The only difficult part to this is they actually want you to eat 5-6 times a day, which just isn't possible for me. I work a job where I can't just take a break whenever and eat something, and when I get home, there isn't food in the house because we are pretty broke and can't afford it. I am hoping eating healthier and better portions when I CAN eat will be good enough, and I will still see results.
I am resisting the temptation to weigh myself every day because if I don't see results right away I will get frustrated, and I am scared if I get frustrated that I will just quit. Part of Weigh and Win is you have to go to a "designated" scale, sign in with your account, and weight in. This is required every three months. So I will wait that length of time to check it out.
When I was a kid, I was abused by someone close to me. Part of this abuse was physical, and the other was verbal. One thing said to me by abuser was that I was nothing, and that I would always be nothing. Without even realizing it, I have always believed that statement, even though part of me knew it was bullshit. I am coming to realize that believing those words, even subconsciously, is possibly the reason I never finish anything I start. College, for one example. I am very scared that I will just give up on this. I figure the more people that know about what I'm doing, the more likely I'll be to stick to it since I don't want to have to explain that I just gave up, if people ask how it's going.
I am hoping for the best, because I want to be a healthy ME!
I have been dieting since high school, and it's done nothing but make me feel horrible about myself and gain even more weight. I have recently been working towards changing my attitude towards food and exercise and being healthy in general, and have almost convinced myself that is the way to go. Which is why I felt like it was time to attempt the lifestyle change. Fitness people always say it is good to keep a journal of your progress so I thought I would give it a try. Not that sitting here typing is helping me lose weight...
Weigh and Win has different fitness levels you can start at. While I don't feel I'm at my worst fitness wise, I decided to start at the easiest level simply because I wasn't sure how intense each level was. I walk my dogs fairly often, so walking wasn't the issue. It was the strength training that intimidated me. So far I work out every other day: one of those days is cardio and the other is strength training. They are only requiring 15 minutes out of each session so far and I feel like I've been going above and beyond by walking my dogs every day for about half an hour. The strength training I haven't done as great on because a lot of the exercises they recommend involve a resistance band and I don't have one. The website has a personal trainer you can email, so I finally did and asked about the lack of resistance band, and she told me to just do twice the amount of exercises without the resistance band. Duh.
Another part of this plan is to watch your portions and the type of food you are eating. This hasn't been much of a struggle for me since I have basically cut sweets out of my diet; now I will just have to resist the urges that come once in a while. (I do get one day a week where I can have dessert or pizza, etc. if I wish) The only difficult part to this is they actually want you to eat 5-6 times a day, which just isn't possible for me. I work a job where I can't just take a break whenever and eat something, and when I get home, there isn't food in the house because we are pretty broke and can't afford it. I am hoping eating healthier and better portions when I CAN eat will be good enough, and I will still see results.
I am resisting the temptation to weigh myself every day because if I don't see results right away I will get frustrated, and I am scared if I get frustrated that I will just quit. Part of Weigh and Win is you have to go to a "designated" scale, sign in with your account, and weight in. This is required every three months. So I will wait that length of time to check it out.
When I was a kid, I was abused by someone close to me. Part of this abuse was physical, and the other was verbal. One thing said to me by abuser was that I was nothing, and that I would always be nothing. Without even realizing it, I have always believed that statement, even though part of me knew it was bullshit. I am coming to realize that believing those words, even subconsciously, is possibly the reason I never finish anything I start. College, for one example. I am very scared that I will just give up on this. I figure the more people that know about what I'm doing, the more likely I'll be to stick to it since I don't want to have to explain that I just gave up, if people ask how it's going.
I am hoping for the best, because I want to be a healthy ME!
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