guess i should explain myself...

My divorce just went through about a month ago. Not the shortest marriage that's ever been, but considering the seeming tightness of our relationship, it might come to a surprise to those that don't know the full story. I have not fully processed everything that happened, myself- not to mention the disappointment, feelings of inadequacy, loss, pain, anger, grief, and other emotions I haven't been able to label, yet.

Now, I certainly wasn't perfect in this relationship, but we were both trying to work through our issues and differences. However, I had two lines that could never be crossed:

One: Do not lie to me. I have been abused in the past. I have been lied to by those closest to me. I don't trust easily, and I don't deal well when the people closest to me decide to tell lies. You just cannot do it. This was laid out in the very beginning, and agreed to. This issue was also discussed many, many times.

Two: Do not use drugs. I knew drugs had been a part of my husband's past, or I thought it was his past (now I'm not sure he had ever been clean), and I did not want it a part of our life together. I told him if he started using again, I was gone. He agreed.

He crossed both of these lines. The details behind him using and how I found out are extremely painful, and make him look really bad. I'm not even sure I should mention them, but I should apologize in his behalf that he spent all our wedding money on drugs. He took the money when I was in Utah helping my momma recovering from a hip replacement. He also stole many things to pawn for drug money. I know people on drugs do crazy things; now I have living proof. 

I am also positive he was high on our wedding night. He didn't sleep ALL NIGHT. Wedding days are majorly LONG days, not to mention how emotionally draining they are. I stayed up with him until 4am until I passed out from exhaustion. He woke me up at 7am to get breakfast and go get the decorations we left at the reception location. He accused me of "falling asleep on him." Putting two and two together, I don't think he slept at all that night. Yet he still stands by the statement that he didn't start using until three months after that. 

He was also super crafty when he was high. He started making purses with vinyl records. He made me one when I landed a job in February of the same year he claims he didn't start using until July. When he got clean he never touched those damn purses. Ever. No interest. Hmmm... the facts don't match the statement.

I couldn't get over what he had done to me. I tried. I put a year and a half- the majority of our marriage- into coping and dealing and trying to move on and act normal. He made loads of promises to improve our relationship, gain my trust back, and make amends. He did none of them. He told me he would set us up for marriage counseling. He didn't do that. Not only was he not keeping his word, he was continuing to show me through his life actions that he wasn't fully committed to being an adult in an adult relationship. He was already on parole for a stupid fight he was involved in. Then he got two DUI's, one that landed him in the hospital with a broken jaw. That didn't heal correctly. That he still hasn't gone to have fixed like he said he would. I didn't want a husband who kept going to jail because he couldn't say no to a drink before driving home. This is what he was showing me for our future, and I wasn't taking it well. This was not the man I believed I had married. We both did our fair share of drinking in the past, but I felt like we were smart about it. Maybe I was wrong? I don't know. I felt so blind-sided, and I was losing myself. I never left the house, I had no self-esteem, I didn't want people to look at me, I was getting drunk on the weekends out of sheer boredom, pretending everything was fine to the outside world, and then I couldn't do it, anymore. I knew I had to leave if I was going to save myself from turning into a mechanical robot wife with a perma-grin.

I started talking to an exboyfriend, again. He contacted me first, but then I told him my marriage wasn't going well and I thought it was over. That opened a window for him to suggest we might still have feelings for each other. I was sad, lonely, disappointed, and felt VERY disrespected, not to mention vulnerable. I thought maybe I did have feelings for this ex, and pursued an email and chat relationship with my ex behind Chris' back. This was not the right thing to do, but at this point I knew my marriage was over and I think doing this gave me an easier out than just saying, "You make me feel like a piece of shit, and I don't see proof you want this marriage to succeed; I want a divorce." Now I could just say I had feelings for someone else and wanted to pursue those feelings. That seemed easier to say, for some reason.

Chris found out in the worst way possible. I wanted one last happy memory for us, so I waited until after our wedding anniversary (horrible idea, I know now!) and we got a room in a hotel downtown, had a fancy and expensive dinner, and I might have gotten drunk enough to pretend to enjoy the hotel room with him one last time. My flaw was in sending a picture of myself, all dressed up, to the other guy I was chatting up. Chris found the texts the next day. 

I can't imagine the pain I caused him, and I was stupid to chat up another guy while still married to my husband; even if I knew the marriage was over, Chris didn't, and that wasn't right. Although I was grateful it opened up the dialogue to discuss what I wanted, or didn't want, for the future. 

Then my momma died. I spent that summer cleaning out her house and trying to cope with losing the only person I feel actually gives a real, genuine damn about me. Now there is nobody, and I left a husband who had given me his family to share freely. I thought about hanging on because I love his parents so much. I knew that wasn't fair to Chris, or healthy for the person I was becoming in this marriage: a zombie. 

I think Chris thought maybe that time away would make me change my mind about splitting up, but it didn't. I went back to Colorado in July, packed up and left. I felt free and incredibly sad, but I knew I had made the right decision. 

That was one year ago, although it feels much longer. I still feel that I made the right decision, but as I try to process everything that happened, sometimes I just get really mad. I know Chris loved me like I loved him, but why couldn't he man up and do the work he needed to do to prove he wanted the marriage to work? I know I wasn't perfect, either, but dammit I feel like I was trying, at least up until the end, when I decided I had had enough. I don't feel like he tried at all. He was so sweet to me, bought me flowers and cards, but what about all the broken promises? What about the lies? The continuous lies, even when I knew the truth was a different story and told him so? Am I so disposable that it's okay to treat me this way? 

I still love Chris more than life. He is a kindred spirit and that pisses me off. I had waited a long, long time to meet someone like him, and I don't know that I will ever meet anybody who made me feel as beautiful and smart and sexy as he did. However, I could not stay with him knowing he felt it was acceptable to lie and sneak around behind his wife's back, as long as she didn't find out. I was willing to forgive, but it was going to take a lot of work to earn my trust again, and he just didn't show he was willing to put the work in. It was such a hard decision to make, but I still know it was the right decision. I'm sorry if I've hurt anybody in this process; I'm sorry for hurting Chris with my own lies and deceit. I am hoping for understanding, and offer clarity for those who are or were mutual friends of ours. Say no to drugs. Don't drink and drive. Keep your promises. Marriage is hard work and it only takes one person to make a marriage fail. 

I'm sorry for everybody I hurt. I hope I can heal from my own hurt, which is deep. I hope this blog offers some clarity for the people who are curious and wondering, but not wanting to ask. I hope you will forgive me for my mistakes, and Chris as well. He needs friends around him. He needs love and support just as much as I do. What happened happened. It's not okay, but it's history.